Monday, October 25, 2010

Whore-o-Ween 2010: Something Slutty This Way Comes

Halloween. That magical, mysterious time of year when carved gourds become acceptable home decor instead of a sign of dementia. When staid church elders erect miniature tombstones and life-size devils on their lawns. When it suddenly becomes OK to take candy from strangers--and if they don't give you any, to vandalize their houses. And when shy young maidens decide "Hey, if it's just a costume, it doesn't matter that I look like a streetwalker." You know we have a problem in society when Lady Gaga is a top costume pick for a night of "innocent fun." Innocent my Aunt Fanny. Seriously, take a look at some of the offerings found at our local Target.

First we have a slutty devil. That's to be expected. If costumes are going to get slutty, then we have to assume that the devil is going to be the first pin to fall.

Next, a "flirty" maid and nurse. Also to be expected, as women in these professions are well known harlots. Especially if they tend to elderly, wealthy, recluse "clients." I mean, this is such an engrained part of Western culture that every fake porn title in sitcoms is "Naughty Night Nurses 9," and even Disney's Beauty and the Beast had a slutty French maid character.

Now things start to get weird. "Red Hot Riding Hood?" Are people not realizing the wrongness of this situation? What is OK about making this already freaky Grimm fairytale in an "adult" scenario? "Oh no, I'm a lost little girl on my way to Grandma's house. Are you the strong, handsome woodsman, or the naughty brute who ate my grandmother?" NOT COOL.

Sexy Firefighter. When I was growing up, there no such thing as a "Firefighter," only Firemen. Not the Ray Bradbury kind, but the badass kind that run headlong into the burning danger we all run away from and take it down. Why do we need slutty cartoonesque firefighter ladies? And who finds these sorts of things attractive? "Oh baby, you're so provocative in your outfit from a traditionally male dominated profession. This role reversal has got me all worked up."

This abomination is brought to you by the letters T[ramp], W[hore], and the number $. Nothing. Is OK. With this Costume. I hope the ghost of Jim Henson haunts whoever came up with this nightly. ("Hi-ho, Jim the Ghost here.") Also, that his heirs slash their tires for selling out so atrociously. I thought the "Sesame Babies" diapers were bad. Slutty Big Bird is just so much worse.

Young ladies, a word of caution--everyone is judging you. Sometimes, because we find it comical that you miss the irony in being dressed like a sexy angel to attend your youth group party. Sometimes, because we're just embarrassed for you. But sometimes because you're applying for a job which requires discretion and good personal judgment, and your Facebook page tells us you don't know what those words mean. Keep this in mind as you select a costume this year.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Junior Associate Davis Settles In; Focuses Practice on Nursing, Defecation

As most loyal readers know already, Junior Associate Victoria Margaret Davis officially joined the Davis Firm on September 19, 2010. At present she is handling a light caseload to allow time for her extensive pro bono work. Her current projects include learning to sleep through the night, feeding without spitting up, and diaper spoliation.

"We couldn't be happier to have Victoria on the team," said founding partner Jesse Davis, "What she lacks in experience she more than makes up for in cuteness, hopeful  potential, and innocent wonderment. We're confident she'll grow and prosper here at the Davis Firm."

When first reached for comment, managing partner Diana Davis said, "Why are you fooling around on the internet? This baby needs changing, Davis!" She later opined that the new addition was wonderful, and a source of endless joy for all concerned.

Rather than distributing the traditional cigars to mark the occasion, the Davis Firm has released its first-ever commemorative beer: "Victoria's Birthday." This special brew is patterned after brown ales popular during the reign of Queen Victoria. It was concocted right here at firm headquarters with help from brewmeister Justin T.

(more pictures available on Facebook--email us for a link)